Be an Accomplice, Not an Advocate

In a world filled with diverse experiences and challenges, it’s essential to be aware of how we can genuinely support one another. One such approach that has gained traction recently is being an accomplice rather than an advocate. While both roles are well-intentioned, there’s a subtle yet significant difference between the two. Being an accomplice means stepping into someone’s story and experiencing it with them, offering support, healing, and affirmation. On the other hand, advocacy can sometimes feel dismissive or superficial.

Empathy isn’t simply advocacy

The Accomplice vs. the Advocate

Advocacy typically involves speaking out on behalf of others, raising awareness about issues, and championing change. While these efforts are crucial, they can sometimes feel detached from the personal experiences of those we aim to help.

An accomplice actively engages in another person’s struggle, offering support and empathy through shared experiences. This approach goes beyond advocating for change—it means truly understanding and empathizing with the individual’s journey, acknowledging their emotions, and validating their experiences.

The Power of Empathy

Empathy is at the core of being a companion. It involves stepping into someone else’s shoes and sharing their emotional experiences. When we practice empathy, we create a safe space for others to be vulnerable, ultimately fostering deeper connections and mutual understanding.

Research has shown that empathy can have a profound impact on both mental and physical well-being. Feeling understood and supported can alleviate stress and anxiety, promote healing, and create a greater sense of self-worth.

Holding Space for Your Partner’s “Parts”

Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic model that posits that every person has multiple internal parts or sub-personalities, and these parts interact with each other to form our personality. The IFS model suggests that we all have different parts that we may not be aware of or may not want to acknowledge, but they still play a significant role in our life experiences.

Internal Family System – Part

When our partner displays behaviors that seem out of character, we can assume that their internal parts are triggered, causing them to act in a way that is not aligned with their true self. In such situations, holding space for our partner and validating their feelings is helpful. Listening to this way means creating a safe emotional space for them to express their emotions without fear of being judged or rejected.

We can hold space for our partner’s broken parts by modeling curiosity and empathy towards their subpersonalities. We can ask questions and actively listen to understand their perspective rather than reacting to their behavior. When we approach our partner’s broken parts with curiosity, we can help them identify the root cause of their behavior, which can help them understand themselves better.

When we validate our partner’s emotions, we can help them feel seen and understood, creating a more profound connection. Holding space for our partner’s broken parts can help them feel heard and validated, which can be incredibly healing. Validating our partner’s emotions can also help them regulate their feelings, leading to a more peaceful and harmonious relationship.

It is crucial to recognize that our defensive responses towards our partner’s behaviors are not necessarily directed towards them but are often defensive responses towards our internal parts activated due to unhealed wounds. By acknowledging our inner parts and working to heal them, we can create differentiation within ourselves, which can help us become more self-aware and more present in our relationships.

The Wounded Healer

As a wounded healer, I understand using my own experiences of pain and healing to connect with and support my clients. I have gone through my struggles and have come out on the other side (and in some cases, things are still a work in progress) with a deep understanding of what it’s like to be in pain.

The Wounded Healer

The idea of the wounded healer is often associated with the work of psychologist Carl Jung, who believed that individuals who have faced their struggles and undergone a healing process could be particularly effective in helping others navigate similar struggles.

Being a wounded healer can be challenging because it requires a careful balance of vulnerability, transparency, and professional boundaries. It’s important to share one’s story to create a deeper level of empathy and understanding, but we must also remember that the therapeutic relationship focuses on the client’s needs.

Additionally, being a wounded healer requires a strong focus on self-care. I know I can only be effective in my work if I prioritize my emotional and physical health. This means setting boundaries and taking time to recharge and replenish my energy.

Despite the challenges, being a wounded healer is incredibly rewarding. By using my experiences to help others, I can create a deeper level of connection and understanding that can be transformative. And by being open and transparent, I can create a safe space for healing and growth.

If you’re a wounded healer like me, remember that experience can be valuable in helping others heal. Take care of yourself, set boundaries, and be open and honest with your clients. Your work can be gratifying, and you have the opportunity to make a real difference in people’s lives, despite being imperfect humans ourselves.